Someone you know is doing something blatantly wrong. The individual needs to be rebuked. No one else has the courage, it seems. You're the discerning one, so perhaps it is up to you to set him straight. Do you know how to go about it?
Personally, I can only recall feeling awful each time I've confronted someone about what looked to me to be a serious wrong. It made me sick to plan my rebuke, and the anger received afterwards made me quite miserable.
Recently a friend was planning to do this to someone she knew, and I found myself reviewing some dos and don'ts to share with her. I need these up front and center, and I think you might like to use them too.
First, of course, let's remember that where possible, let's use prayer, kindness and forgiveness instead of confrontation.
When that doesn't work, if the problem grows worse, we need to prepare for a confrontation that will bring about a change in behaviour.
Do Prepare:
- with lots of prayer! For yourself as well as the person who needs the guidance. Make very sure you
are not planning this out of anger or revenge, but out of genuine desire to help.
- write a short script so you can plan your choice of words, but do not send this to the other person. You need to be sure you use no hash accusatory words, and words that demean the person.
- but don't include other topics, or old wounds. You'll just mess things up! Then it will be harder than ever to resolve the issues. Focus just on this one matter where you need to rebuke the friend
- take on an attitude of caring for the friend and for your friendship, don't be the police, or God, ready to slap on severe discipline and judgments.
- be braced for an angry and very negative reaction or a number of rationalizations that may be off base. (Think; what's your first emotion when confronted?)
Do Present:
-. your rebuke in person, or if you must, by phone, but not in a written email or missive. Why?
1. because you want to communicate concern in your voice and body language,
2. because the other party may misquote you and distort your text and use it against you in ways you can't imagine now.
3. because you've got personal responsibility for the immediate situation; you don't want a wild fire.
- be as brief as possible,
- ask for a response,
- if you see the other party needs time to consider your words, say thanks, and leave.
Do Follow-through:
- with much earnest prayer! The miracles of repentance and reconciliation are still over the horizon.
- with kind and thoughtful contacts a few days later.
- see if you can be more mature, with better self-discipline henceforth.
Yes, we do need to rebuke someone going the wrong way, but let's keep in mind that others have the
very same responsibility towards us. We are going to be at the receiving end sooner or later. Do
this as gently as you hope it will be done to you.
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